Transitioning from Female to Male: My Story

Lion Art Found in Melbourne Streets

Hi there, my name is Vern and I am a transman. No I did not wake up one day and decided I wanted to be male – it was more like an enlightened moment where everything clicked and I realised that I was a man in a body that was missing the biological parts that would classify me as male to society.

I used to think I was born in the wrong body but I’ve since changed my perception – this is the right body for this life I am meant to live. Growing up I was told over and over that I am a girl, not a boy. But I’ve always known that I was different – I was attracted to girls, not boys. While this may seem normal as kids, you know where girls hated boys and vice versa because they have cooties and what not. But this remained constant with me even when I went into my teenage years.

Being born a girl and being attracted to girls meant I was a lesbian right? I identified as a lesbian for a long long time. It was the easy explanation for a complicated situation. I was a tomboy growing up and when I was in my 20’s I was known as a butch.

I came out to my parents as a lesbian and them being the amazing people that they are, they accepted me for who I am. Did they wish I wasn’t gay? Of course they did. But did they ask me to change who I was? No. They only had 1 wish for me – that is for me to be happy.

But I wasn’t happy. I haven’t been happy for a very long time. I’ve gone through depression and did things I am not proud of but all of it made me who I am today.

Then one day as I was on Instagram, I saw one of my friends who was a butch, she had posted up a picture of her chin showing off some facial hair. It was through her (at that time) that I learned she was on testosterone and had realised she was transgender.

She is now Darren. He is the first transman that I have as a friend. I spoke to him about his transition and I realised that is what I want. Then I found more transmen on Instagram and that’s when I knew I had finally found my identity.

I am transgender.

But what now? I didn’t know what was the next step.

Then it was as if by fate I saw on my Facebook newsfeed a post about someone raising funds for top surgery – that peaked my interest naturally and I clicked on it. It turns out that this guy, whom I had seen perform at The Sparrow’s Nest’s event, OUTspoken Perth, was a transman.

I sorta stalked him a little on social media, trying to find a way to ask him about his transition. I wasn’t sure if I should just send him a message or find my own way. But when he posted a picture of him after top surgery, I wanted his surgeon’s contact – the results were amazing. So I sent him a message and he told me to hit him up on Facebook.

Thank you Jesse. We’re not really friends but honestly you’re the person that led me to the right contacts for my transition to begin.

I am now 2 months on Testosterone (Andriol Testocaps 40mgs) and I have my top surgery scheduled in November. I am currently one appointment away from getting the letter to start hormone replacement therapy (HRT) before I can get T shots administered.

That’s when the fun really begins – secondary male features, redistribution of fats, change of vocal chords, facial hair (being Asian I do not have too high hopes for this) and saying goodbye to menstruation once and for all.

This is just the beginning and I can’t wait to see where this new chapter would lead me. I know it’s not an easy road to take but I’ve spent too many years of my life denying who I am – it’s time to finally be me.

I’ve put off documenting this for a while as I was unsure if I should (or could) reveal this to the world. I was afraid of how people would react, especially my parents – I am far from the perfect daughter and I feel that it is unfair to put them through this. But they have been nothing but supportive so I would like to apologise for the horrible daughter I’ve been and I hope that I will be a better son.

I know the road ahead is filled with obstacles, but my family and friends have proven the quote “Those who matter won’t mind and the ones who mind don’t matter”.

While I know my experience is definitely one of the rare ones where my family and friends are nothing but supportive, I am aware that most trangenders face a lot of hostility and do not have a support system like I do. I hope that I can help raise awareness for transgenders and offer a listening ear to those less fortunate than me.

This is my story. While I am just at the start of my journey, I hope to be able to inspire others like me to have the courage to be themselves. It’s not going to be easy, it’s not meant to be easy – that’s why we’re made different. We’re made stronger.

7 comments

  1. Have you heard about Aydian Dowling (ALionsFears) i think he give out advices that are quite good on his youtube page.

  2. Hey! I’m super happy that you’re getting so much support, including mine as well. I’m currently 17, ftm, but I was hoping I could get your surgeons name? If your surgeon isn’t in America though, please tell me. I’m planning on getting top surgery when I turn 19, and it would be a great opportunity for me to have options over who helps me. 🙂 Thank you so much! If possible, could you maybe shoot me an email at Today.killme@yahoo.com It would be greatly appreciated!

    • Hi Jade, unfortunately I’m in Australia not America. But there are plenty of good surgeons where you are, just do more research and I’m sure you’ll be able to find one. All the best for your journey 🙂

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